My little world

2012-02-08T22:37:00.000-06:00

I would like a crystal ball. Please and thank you.

2012-02-05T10:36:00.000-06:00

Stifle: To keep in or hold back; repress

2012-01-29T23:35:00.000-06:00

I am strongly considering making an appointment with a neurologist.

2012-01-26T22:47:00.000-06:00

I wasn't made for holding back. So, why am I doing it?

2012-01-18T22:27:00.000-06:00

I finished my 3rd day of my last semester of school today. It feels like my 3rd week. My stress reactions are consistent when compared to last semester. I am continuing with the panicking, stomach issues, sleepless nights, and binge eating. I am, once again, my own worst enemy. I love school.
Positive thoughts... positive thoughts...

Speaking of positive thoughts... another area of my life is going above average. That's all folks.

2012-01-13T14:23:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was 21 years old.

I swear...

2012-01-09T18:47:00.000-06:00

When you are standing on the highest mountain and take the largest leap you risk falling the hardest and hurting the most. Taking those steps to the top take so much effort and seem to leave you breathless and wondering if it is all really worth it. Is it really worth it? For those who have not reaped the reward, they may say that it's not. I've taken the fall time and time again. I've got the scars to prove it.

Upward climb, here I come.

2012-01-08T22:08:00.000-06:00

The saying "breath of fresh air" has a whole new meaning to me now.

2011-12-28T00:00:00.002-06:00

Of course it wouldn't hit me until midnight, while I am trying to eat a bowl of cereal the size of my head.

2011-12-26T18:39:00.002-06:00

What the hell is so "good" about goodbyes?

2011-12-23T22:45:00.001-06:00

I will be spending my first Christmas in five years without a significant other. It will also be the first Christmas in years that my baby bro will not be in attendance of our family festivities. The latter will definitely be the harder change to deal with. Even though our ages are nearing 25 and 32, we have not shattered the tradition of spending Christmas Eve night with our parents and opening gifts at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning, just the four of us. Since we are the childless and unmarried children in the family, its always just made sense.

I guess the most mature and eloquent way I can put my feelings on this is.. it's going to suck. Adulthood sucks.

Be still.

2011-12-14T20:37:00.000-06:00

Photo credit: The lovely Rheanna Guckenberg

As of right now, the rain is falling, this picturesque scene has faded, and my heart is asking me where to go from here. Be still, I say. Be still.

2011-12-13T21:58:00.000-06:00

Sitting here, with my slightly overheated computer on my lap, I cannot help but wonder, "Am I frying my ovaries?"

2011-12-11T14:27:00.002-06:00

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

KATE NASH

2011-12-08T21:17:00.000-06:00

Shock is a strange little thing. A blow to the stomach, you forget how to breathe. You process. You react. Or maybe you don't. You don't react. It could be perfectly normal to sit in silence for 23 minutes, staring at the wall, completely unaware that you are on the brink of insanity. I heard my own heart beat today. I was disappointed. Not that I heard it, but that it was beating. I was pretty sure that it was broken. A heart that damaged cannot possibly survive. But it did. Apparently, the heart is one of the strongest muscles in the body and mine is not disputing this fact. No, this heart of mine has something to prove. This week it has been testing me.

I just hope that my mind is as strong as my heart.

2011-12-08T20:20:00.001-06:00

I feel like an ass.

2011-12-05T17:48:00.000-06:00

For the first time, the words aren't spilling out of me. I am waiting to tell no one.

2011-12-05T17:40:00.000-06:00

All the potential in the world...

Take and Take?

2011-11-27T16:55:00.000-06:00

Is there such a thing as equal love in relationships? Or will there always be one person who loves more?

The quote "marry someone who loves you more than you love them" comes to mind.

For those that believe in the above quote, what is the driving force behind your belief?

And for those who disagree..enlighten me.

2011-11-27T12:03:00.003-06:00

Oh, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this

Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch your death
Oh, I mean it

Natalie Merchant

It's that time of the year again...

2011-11-21T16:47:00.000-06:00

I am thankful for...

Every breath I take, every morning I wake
God

The parents that have shaped me to be who I am and love me unconditionally

An older, beautiful sister that I idolized growing up
The cooler older brother that will always make me feel 10
A baby brother that is my polar opposite one moment and twin the next.
Nieces and nephews that I cannot imagine my life without

Friends that take me as I am and come back for more

Classmates, who motivate me and put up with me all at once

Phone calls from people who hate talking on the phone

Moving forward

Honesty

The person in line who sees that I have two items to their forty and says "go ahead"
Texts that remind me everything is going to be okay
Sunshine
A great pair of jeans
Hot chocolate with whipped cream
Being someone's favorite
Pumpkin scented anything
Wine
Good beer
Long hot baths
My favorite tee shirt
Freedom
Mom's home cooked meals
Getting out of class early
Naps
Fudge caramel brownies
Fleece sweats
Flowers
Cookbooks
Laughter
Love
You

2011-11-20T19:04:00.000-06:00

I worry. I sob. I laugh as if it were my last laugh on earth. I hold on to your every word. I'm paranoid and will over analyze those words. I can't help it if I'm manic when it comes to you. I am constantly giving it my all. Always. I recognize the fear. I've been there too. No, I take that back. I'm there too.

2011-11-20T18:29:00.002-06:00

I am sorry for putting you on a boat that you don't belong on.

2011-11-20T10:13:00.002-06:00

I'm blogging in my head. Which is great, but my head doesn't dump its contents onto my actual blog.

2011-11-19T09:28:00.000-06:00

I'm a crazy girl, I just need to accept that. :)

2011-11-06T00:22:00.000-05:00

Damn, I know the funniest people.

2011-11-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

Remind me to take that step back more often.

2011-10-28T18:50:00.000-05:00

I'm a dreamer living in a cynic's world where speaking your mind doesn't come cheap and playing by the rules is a losing battle.
I take things to the heart, where it matters most, don't let go when people get close. I rarely look before I leap, have regrets and am losing sleep.
I fear the unknown and love surprises, scoff at danger and dread goodbyes.

Faith in God comes in waves, faith in self is a work in progress.
My mind wanders and my memory fails.
A skeptic that wants to let go, let my soul lead, and just know.

2011-10-22T10:21:00.000-05:00

There are some moments as I get older that make me realize I am, indeed an adult.
One moment: almost reaching a euphoric high over knowing that your morning consists of sleeping in and hot chocolate.

Just a speed bump..

2011-10-20T21:38:00.000-05:00

Not a road block.

When quitting is a good thing...

2011-10-17T20:12:00.000-05:00

Prior to Sunday, I hadn't been on a real date since breaking up with Mark. Compared to the absolute atrocity of this so called date, I am pretty sure that another 6 dateless months would have been just fine. The date consisted of meeting at a bar, having a drink (which I paid for), eating at a sandwich place (conveniently located next door!), and getting the ever anticipated (sarcasm) invite to his place to "watch a movie." I politely declined. Is this what dating is now? Have I been out of the game that long? Are men really that lazy? And cheap? And horny? I am sure that I will laugh about this disaster at some point in my life, but unfortunately, right now, I am frustrated beyond belief and pretty bummed out.

I wasn't expecting a lifelong partner out of this date but I thought I would at least get a decent meal and perhaps have a good time?

2011-10-15T19:00:00.000-05:00

nervous. ahhh!

Thank God..

2011-10-12T07:26:00.002-05:00

for strength.

2011-08-23T17:35:00.000-05:00

To prove myself is only proving to be futile

I was born to make mistakes, born to disappoint, and born to fail

God's imperfect child, this I am and forever will be

Slowly, but surely, I am waking.

2011-08-11T21:05:00.000-05:00

In a perfect world, you would be standing in front of me with your rare smile and everything would be be fine. I could take back the words I said and the tears that we both shed. In a perfect world, I would stop these selfish thoughts. I would let you be. Just be. We both know that's what you need most. To just be. It's what I need as well. And I can't. I can never just be. To just take what I have and love it. To love myself, is much more difficult than loving you. I can point out your greatness and only see my flaws.

My main flaw, hurting you.

Sadly, I think you forgave me, but I have yet to forgive myself.

Gah.

2011-07-22T10:22:00.000-05:00

There are people who rely on homeless shelters for a roof over their head and soup kitchens for a hot meal.

That being said... I'm still pretty unhappy about my financial situation right now, even though I know it could be way worse.

I find that the less funds that I have, the more hungry I am.

2011-07-13T09:39:00.000-05:00

dancing
ice cream
cake vodka
sunshine
laughing
coffee
summer
mom
sleep
grilling
nieces
nephews
flashcards
chats
beer
girlfriends
books
patients
wine
school
dresses
god
music
cheese
trivia
gg
____

let it be enough

2011-07-13T09:16:00.000-05:00

I need school to start as soon as possible.

2011-07-13T09:13:00.000-05:00

Regret,

I would really appreciate it if you would quit FUCKING with my head.

connection

2011-06-26T15:36:00.000-05:00

Oh, how I miss thee internet. Borders is a lovely establishment to hang out and utilize free wireless, but not my ideal pick. I will be making a trip to my cellular provider in the near future to see about purchasing some form of internet "hot spot". I may have to downgrade other materialistic features, but in the name of the internet, it is worth it.

Fluff

2011-06-15T13:36:00.000-05:00

I want soup, salad, and breadsticks from Olive Garden.

(My posts have been a tad drab lately, I apologize)

It skips a beat from time to time..

2011-06-14T19:02:00.000-05:00

I am growing weary of seeing you everywhere I go. These ghosts highlight my moments of regret and make me hang my head in shame.

I look up to the sky searching for answers. My arms outstretched waiting for that embrace of contentment, that feeling that everything will be okay. I will wait forever, I tell myself. Forever and a day.

Nutrition

2011-06-13T12:36:00.000-05:00

I cannot even begin to tell you the last time I cooked a meal. A real meal. That being said, I don't know what I've been eating the past few months either. I am not wasting away and not blowing up into a blimp, so I guess that's a positive for one who has completely lost her mind in the areas of food consumption.

Revolving door

2011-06-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

When one door closes.. another one gets slammed in your face.

Poll

2011-06-09T15:26:00.000-05:00

To all of those in favor of democracy, I put up a poll on here. It can be found on the upper right hand side of my blog. I have been toying with the idea of "opening" up a little more and was just looking for some input. So, yeah, go vote and stuff. Or, feel free to comment on this post, if you don't think my choices are adequate.

I am like a bird...

2011-06-09T14:51:00.001-05:00

All good things must come to an end. What self loathing bastard said that anyway? I'm a giver in relationships. I blame it on my mother, my grandmother, and whoever else in my bloodline of women decided that neglecting oneself and taking care of everyone else, was a grand idea. Last night, I broke the cycle. I feel so free, so empowered, and so strong! So, why do I also feel so unsure as well. Why do I feel my skin crawling and the whispers of regret sneaking up on me? Why can I not rid myself of this bad taste that has been in my mouth ever since? Naked dreams. Does anyone have those? Where suddenly you find yourself in a crowded room and you ever so "conveniently" are without a stitch of clothing and all eyes are on you? That sums up my feelings about now.

Current fear? Fighting for what I believe in, settling for nothing, and ending up alone. Is that the fate of a strong woman?

For those worrying that I am on the verge of turning into a non-shaving, animalistic, picketing feminist, let me ease your mind.. The movie quote that consumes me at this moment is "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

Self destruction

2011-06-08T21:07:00.000-05:00

I am masochistic. It's official.

I am only human

2011-05-30T20:48:00.000-05:00

I crave love and affection and warmth. I need support and validation. I want to be heard.

Am I wrong in assuming that these things are what everyone needs and desires?

Then why is it so hard for some to give?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on..

2011-05-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

Keane- love this song.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

This could be the end of everything,
So why don't we go,
Somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know,
Somewhere only we know.

The maze in my mind never ends...

2011-05-25T10:57:00.000-05:00

I just read my random goal for the day, that is listed here on my own blog. I should remind myself of this goal on an hourly basis as it is one of my biggest personal flaws. *listed later in blog

As of late, I have been walking the fine line of being completely content and falling apart at the seams. Unfortunately, the past few days have been teetering toward the latter. In the beginning of April, I ended a five year relationship with one of my best friends, Mark. This decision has left me with immediate repercussions, self doubt, relief, freedom and guilt. However, the tell-tale sign that I made the right decision, is the absence of regret. I know now that I cannot and will not look back. The "should haves", the "what ifs", and the "maybes" are not lingering in my mind. Instead, fears are affecting my suddenly single, 31 year old psyche. One cannot prepare for the irrational thoughts that flood in... gaining 100 lbs now that my extra time has led me straight to an all you can eat ice cream diet, becoming a schizophrenic cat lady whose only wardrobe consists of flannel nightgowns, and of course the ever popular, dying alone... just to name a few.

My recent emotional roller coaster ride is not to be completely blamed on the fact that I closed the door on one major part of my life, but the fact that I have also closed doors and opened doors in other areas as well. Both, metaphorically and figuratively. After almost 4 yrs of being a resident in the Third Ward, I have moved on to greener (hopefully!) pastures. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows at Gilbert Ave, but it was home. The new residence houses only one roommate, dogs, and a random football player crashing on the couch. Life will not be dull.

I cannot promise that I will get over this bump in my emotional state of mind immediately, but I will look forward and know that the possibilities are endless. I will keep in mind that being true to myself is the most important key to MY happiness and to not let others have control of my emotions ( random goal).
I desire to be passionate in my relationship(s), love without holding back, speak without censorship and laugh. Laughter is good.

If life is just a game, with no purpose, I do not want to participate.

2011-03-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

Paradise

2011-03-01T23:46:00.000-06:00

Memories flood, words escape, time elapses

Give

2011-02-23T21:59:00.000-06:00

Volunteer.

I will finally be donating my time at a local hospital. I cannot wait! I am sure I will have some interesting stories to share!

Hola!

2011-02-13T20:42:00.000-06:00

Mexico, I've never been. That all changes March 9th. I will be leaving the snowy mid-west for one glorious week. I have not been on an airplane in years. Ten years to be exact. I love to fly, so that alone thrills me! The fact that I am going to a tropical location in another country overwhelms me with joy. Did I mention that my airfare and room expenses are taken care of? I am so blessed to have such generous people in my life!

Adios! (for now)

Today

2011-01-29T18:00:00.000-06:00

Appreciate, Appreciate, Appreciate!

Be thankful for what you have, TODAY. Don't waste time worrying about what you WON'T have tomorrow!

Sorry for once again, another blogging hiatus. We all get stuck in our ruts, right? More to continue...

Movie time!

Post-Thanks

2010-11-30T23:26:00.001-06:00

The week of Thanksgiving people come out of the woodwork giving thanks for this, giving thanks for that. It was a little cheesy, but in a good way. It is now, after Thanksgiving that I have given the ever so popular, "What are you thankful for? " question quite a bit of thought.

Here are just a few things that I have to be so very thankful for:

A God that loves me unconditionally and forgives my mistakes big and small.

Inheriting the strong personality of my grandmother and mother. Admiration doesn't even scratch the surface.

Being a daddy's girl. I hate to admit it, but I can't fight it.

Having a step-father who stepped in the father role and loves my mother like she deserves to be loved.

Two older siblings who may not be my best friends, but were still willing to undergo risky life changing surgery to save mine.

A younger sibling who wishes he was able to do the same as the above ones. I pray that time never comes.

Nieces and nephews who I cannot imagine my life without. My world would be so boring. They have no idea the joy they bring me.

Cousins that actually contact me outside of holidays, weddings and funerals.

Aunts and Uncles that always seem to make me feel like their favorite.

In-laws who treat me as if I were born into the family.

An array of friends who are so vastly different yet all mean so much to me. Some of the best laughs have come from moments with these people.

And last, but not least, a boyfriend who loves me and all my imperfections without hesitation. Even in my darkest days, when I fight it more than anything else in the world, he can make me smile.

Sense of Urgency

2010-11-30T21:27:00.000-06:00

I need my mother's recipes. The simple, the complex, the ones she knows by heart and cannot be found in a book.

I crave her homemade chicken soup with dumplings. And her stew. And her gravy. Oh my! Have you had my mother's gravy? You must. I insist.

2010-11-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

These decisions we make. They reflect off of everyone around us. They push us, like dominoes. Falling into one another. Waking up, only when it's too late and we've hit the ground.

I keep tellin' myself, I'm unaffected.

Impossible.

Late

2010-10-27T22:49:00.000-05:00

Last night, I had a dream that I was fighting with my father. He and I used to be closer, used to have that easy flowing conversation. Not so much anymore, our conversations seem to be a little forced. It's hard living hundreds of miles away, to connect through a telephone. Hell, it's hard to stay connected to the people that are in my own zip code.

I think that dreams tend to have some meaning to them, whether subtle hints at things we should be doing differently or deeper underlying codes that we are never meant to decipher.

Problem is, I don't know which category mine fall into.

2010-10-18T23:38:00.000-05:00

Autumn

blurb

2010-10-18T20:29:00.000-05:00

While drowning in a sea of regret
My emotions are what rise to the surface

Please and Thank you

2010-09-19T21:34:00.000-05:00

What happened to good old fashioned manners? My roommate just started rifling through the Sunday paper, that Mark purchased, all while blocking the television show I happened to be watching.
Is it so difficult to ask " Excuse me, is this yours? Do you mind if I take a section?"

Trust me, this is not the most difficult thing I have to deal with concerning co-habitation with others. However, it did irk me. Is this just another one of those signs that I am getting old and overly sensitive?

Eyes Wide Open

2010-09-08T22:14:00.000-05:00

I've decided that kids are mini-genuises. Scary smart. Powerful creatures, who if terribly disturbed, could take over the world.

I'm not kidding.

I've been babysitting for the past couple weeks, for a 3 1/2 year old and a 6 year old. I feel as if my intelligence is being questioned on a regular basis.

It's not a calming feeling.

Feelin' Thirty

2010-09-07T20:29:00.000-05:00

I want a tattoo.
I want to dye my hair blonde or black or pink...
I want to go sky diving.
I want to own a coffee shop.
I want to move to New York or Italy or Georgia or ...
I want to drive an ostentatious Hummer, just once.
I want to be a food critic.
I want to go to Vegas.
I want a close relationship with God.
I want to be a song writer
I want to learn how to play guitar.
I want to speak without consequence.
I want twins.
I want to be a doctor.
I want to run marathons.
I want to see my grandmother again.
I want to be best friends with my sister and brothers.
I want to live in the mountains.
I want to be a mentor.
I want to rescue animals.
I want to paint.
I want to live forever.
I want.

forgive me

2010-08-17T23:10:00.000-05:00

I'm terrible, I know.
The words are unable to flow.

I am woman.

2010-06-29T23:26:00.000-05:00

Hear me roar.

The mood swings, the hormone induced depression, the migraines, the binge eating... Dear Lord, if this is what happens to me every single month, do I really ever want to put myself through the hormonal roller coaster of pregnancy. Yikes.

The answer is yes. I think so.

Another monthly occurence are random crazy "do this tomorrow or your world is ending" thoughts.
Today, I decided I wanted to get married, which is not exactly an epiphany.
However, I decided I wanted to do it tomorrow. Where does this sense of urgency come from?

That noise you hear? It's me screaming.

2010-05-11T23:34:00.000-05:00

Frustration.

Gandhi

2010-04-17T23:00:00.000-05:00

"The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles."

Desperate Times..

2010-04-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

...Call for desperate measures. Tonight, my broke self had a hankering for chocolate that wouldn't quit. Unfortunately, I am dirt poor at the moment so I had to improvise.

Solution: Cream, Marshmallows, and Chocolate chips heated in the microwave on low.

It will do for now.

Yes, I realize that I need help.

Family

2010-04-12T21:04:00.000-05:00

I am so blessed to have such amazing nieces and nephews! I love you all so much!

*Cabrina
*Kelsey
*Kendall
*Keagan
*Gabriel
*Walker
*Wyatt
*Westin
*Austin
*Bella (almost here!)

Special shout out to my nieces and nephews at heart! This list is just as long and as special!

-Mathew
-Alyssa
-Austin
-Lexi
-Robbie
-Sarah
-Tyler
-Caleb

I know this is another sappy post, but I would be lost without these people in my life and think they deserve a little spotlight.

Feel like a woman...

2010-04-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

I'm just a mess. I'm an emotional basket case and have been for a week. My hormones should be on the downslide but instead are on the surface. I'm crying at pictures of babies, crying at stories that have nothing to do with me, crying if someone so much as raises their voice at me. Tears of joy and tears of frustration. Tears of anger and tears of confusion. Oh, and it's not just the tears. I'm angry too. My grandmother's "tell it like it is" attitude that I've inherited, is coming out more than ever. Then there is the irrational worrying. I'm freaking out over things that I cannot control, worrying about non-existant situations.

This is why I haven't blogged in awhile.

Note to my loyal followers: Please don't read this and drive me off to a remote location where I will be promptly placed in a room with padded walls and a truck load of medication. I'm just a little hormonal, I promise.

Clinicals II

2010-03-23T19:38:00.000-05:00

Long day. This is my first experience with working without pay. Not really digging it yet. It was a tad disorganized, no one knew when to take breaks, how long my breaks were supposed to be.
At some points I felt in the way or a nuisance. Some people were friendly, some were... not so friendly? The locker room is tiny, I felt like I was changing in a closet. I feel so scatterbrained right now. What should I be working on? What should I be focusing on?

Clinicals

2010-03-22T21:44:00.000-05:00

I start clinicals tomorrow. I'm a nervous wreck and am worrying about anything there is to worry about. Here is a short list of my current worries:

clothes, what to wear (even though I will receive hospital issued scrubs upon arrival)
food, when will I be able to eat? If I don't eat.. I will get a horrible headache.. and die.
migraine. I will get a migraine and start throwing up everywhere.
brain. Mine won't function. I won't remember a single thing I learned.
allergies. It's that time of year for me.. so my eyes will be puffy and I will look like a stoner/crybaby/loser
hearing. Someone is going to tell me a valuable piece of information and I won't even know it.
employees at the hospital. I know they are going to be rude and act like they are better than me.
classmates. They are going to know everything and outshine me, making me look like the slow one.
sweat. I sweat profusely. I won't be able to lift my arms for the entire 7 hrs I am there.

freaking out..,

30 never looked so good?

2010-03-19T12:49:00.000-05:00

You know who you are.

2010-03-19T10:52:00.000-05:00

I wish you would just come out of the closet already.
I wish you would quit. Then I wouldn't have this built up resentment.
I keep waiting for you to say what I need to hear.
I love how amazing TRUST feels. Thank you.
I hope you reach your breaking point. For your own happiness.
I love that we are not "just family" anymore, but friends.
I love hearing how much alike we are.
I miss the "old days". We were so close.
Quit making excuses. Either you want to change or you don't.
I am so proud of you, I hope you know this.
You are fake.
Thank you for your unconditional love and constant forgiveness.
Sometimes your walls make me want to scream!
I can never repay your kindness. Thanks is never enough.
Money does not buy happiness, so please stop pretending it does.
I can always tell when you are lying. Always.
You need therapy.
Thanks for being such a loser. You woke me up.
You are so genuine! Refreshing!
You have never called me just to chat.
I catch on when you are patronizing me.
I love you.
I miss you.
You tell it like it is. Thank you.
Thanks for actually listening. Really listening.

Golden Ticket

2010-03-19T10:11:00.000-05:00

I received the famous (infamous?) Publisher's Clearing House packet in the mail. I wish I was lying when I say that I felt a slight rush of adrenaline while opening it. Does anyone actually fill this out and send it back in? Do real people, under the age of 87 win? Do real people win, period? I'm curious as to why I am receiving it now, for the first time in my life.

Hmmm... I just turned 30. Coincidence? I think not.

Age

2010-03-18T10:41:00.003-05:00

I'm freaking 30!

I broke his brakes. Part TWO

2010-02-15T23:26:00.000-06:00

After thinking about the car situation tonight and talking about it with Tim, the bigger picture appeared.

Mark and I rarely switch cars, we have no reason to. The way the incident unfolded, is not a coincidence.

You see, my drive to class is less than 5 mins away and my speed doesn't exceed over 40 mph. Mark had to work today, hence why he was taking my car, to kill two birds with one stone. His commute is roughly 15 minutes and depending on what route he takes, his speed could get up to 70 mph. I hate to think of what would have happened if he attempted to stop the vehicle at such a high speed, while his brakes were going out.

Like always, God had a plan.

I broke his brakes.

2010-02-15T21:43:00.000-06:00

I broke Mark's car today. The ONE day I drive it and the brakes go out. Why did I have to be driving it today, why? I feel horrible. The worst part? The reason we switched vehicles is so he could take my car to get my tire fixed and my oil changed for me. He was being nice and I ruined it.

Sigh.

Let a little love into your heart...

2010-02-14T10:12:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope that all people are feeling some love today, whether it be from a significant other, child, animal, or perhaps maybe a bottle of wine.

Everyone deserves a little love.

Music and Lyrics. They get me every time...

2010-02-10T23:21:00.004-06:00

Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse I Love You

Go to work, do your best, don't outsmart your common sense

Never let your prayin' knees get lazy

And love like crazy

aimless ramblings

2010-02-04T21:54:00.000-06:00

Today is Courtney's 23rd birthday! Happy Birthday!

School is going okay, still lacking real ambition. So far I love my classmates, which is always nice.

I have been going to bed early (well earlier) and getting up early. Kinda like it, not complaining.

Made amazing Cheeseburger soup yesterday. Much better leftover, when none of the work is required. Mark was able to eat a couple bowls of it, so it must have been okay..

Hitting my monthly depression associated with raging hormones. Men have it way too easy.

Missing family like crazy. Especially, the nieces and nephews. This is not helping my biological clock either. Tick Tock.

Speaking of family, my mom is still working two jobs. I hate this. She is 55, she should be working less and relaxing more, not the opposite.

Again, with family, I found out my Uncle Michael's Memorial Service is at the end of the month. It is in Illinois, but I think I am going to ride down with my sister, Vince, and nephew Gabe. It will be rough, but I will be able to see my Dad and how he is really dealing with this loss.

Okay, my blogging ambition (what little I had) is now gone for the moment.. Dang.

Unplugged

2010-01-31T16:56:00.000-06:00

I dislike computers. Okay, not the computer itself, but the hi-tech stuff, like Microsoft Word. Don't laugh at me, please. Mark does that enough already. I am required to take a computer class for the program I am in right now and I despise it with a passion. I, like many others, tend to despise things that I do not understand or excel at. I have offered to pay Mark to do all my work for me. So far, no go.

Any other takers? Hello?

Scattergories, Part Three

2010-01-30T10:51:00.000-06:00

It's been too long since I posted a blog, so I will do an "easy" one. Since I love the game Scattergories, I have been trying to do blogs that consist of my favorite things (people, moments, food, music, movies, etc..) that start with a letter from the alphabet. This is my third one, so obviously, I am on the letter "C".

Chocolate
Christ
Crab
Courtney
Cupcakes
Cookbooks
Cooking
Calligraphy
Cheese
Cash
Cuddling
Conan
Comfort
Candlelight
Cookies
Clermont
Chicago
Cubbies
Cilantro
Cousins
Coffee/Coffee Shops
Classmates
Crash
Creativity
Conservatives
Coldstone
Corn on the Cob
Cajun
Chili
Camera
Calla lilies

too be continued...

2010-01-18T23:33:00.000-06:00

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye"

relationships

2010-01-02T22:33:00.000-06:00

Monogamy. I believe in it. I support it. I hate to see people I care about get hurt by those who don't believe in it. If you don't love someone, own up to that feeling. Don't be a coward.

Best friends

2010-01-02T20:50:00.000-06:00

Best friends are those that smear their mascara after you complain that they look better than you, before taking a picture. I love best friends.

Up north

2009-12-29T19:21:00.000-06:00

Currently reading..

2009-12-27T22:09:00.000-06:00

Handle with Care by Jodi Picoult. I received it as a Christmas present this year and am already hooked. Will post updates when I am done.

Christmas blog to come.

For now...

2009-12-07T16:06:00.000-06:00

I find when I have nothing keeping me super busy, I lack complete ambition to blog. I'm not sure it's an embarrassment issue or what. It is much more rewarding writing about life when there are multiple things going on, and you feel like you are a productive person. Since I am not working, going to school, or saving the world I should expand my horizons and try changing it up a bit and write about social economics, war, religion... or not.

To get the school issue out of the way.. I failed. Really, that's the bottom line. The expectations were at a certain level and I wasn't able to meet them. I still have some slight animosity toward my egomaniacal instructor, that pushed and pushed without having an ounce of compassion. Or a soul for that matter. Realistically though, it was all me. I am to blame. Almost two months later, it still hurts to admit that I failed at something that I thought I was going to be amazing at. My school journey will continue in the Spring with the Central Service Technician Program. Only a semester long, it basically just entails the sterilization of the instruments that are to be used in surgery. I'm ready to move on.

Since my failure, I haven't been doing too much. Things have been happening in my life, without my body leaving the couch. My Uncle Michael passed away a few weeks ago and I haven't fully realized what that means to me yet. He was one of the greatest men I have ever known. A person who lived life to its fullest, had a kind word for everyone, and just made you feel at ease the moment you met him. My father's brother, he was the first sibling of either of my parents to pass away. It bothers me that I don't' really know how my dad is dealing with the loss. Since he lives in Florida, I have been trying to read in between the pauses, fake cheerfulness and whatever other cues I am able to get through a telephone conversation. Which is hopeless.

to be continued

2009-12-05T13:00:00.000-06:00

It's been too long since I have last blogged. I promise a long one coming up, okay? Think the typical holiday theme, men, sickness, school, and much much more..

2009-10-08T20:19:00.001-05:00

This little light of mine.. I'm gonna let it shine.

So stressed, meltdowns upon meltdowns.

My light is burning out.

spare time

2009-09-25T21:15:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile. School will do that to a person, I suppose. Especially, school that limits my sleep. It's difficult to write a blog when the alternative is to see my boyfriend, whom I haven't seen in 4 or 5 days and he lives less than 2 miles away. When I am struggling to maintain my composure and the mere thought of my feelings brings tears to my eyes, blogging doesn't seem to be the smartest choice. I am just waiting for the moment when the flood gates open. The stress over the past 4 weeks has brought me to tears, but each time they start, I have managed to quickly recover. Except I really haven't recovered. For whatever reason I cannot completely let go and sob. Really sob. With my whole body. I feel unsatisfied, like squeezing bubble wrap and the result being a lackluster whine rather than a pop.

I am doing okay, but I find myself catching my breath, sighing as if I am forgetting to breathe.

So much for breathing being involuntary...

2009-09-02T06:57:00.001-05:00

I just need to let it out but I don't have time too.

thoughts

2009-08-24T20:58:00.000-05:00

Maybe you read my last post and are able to sense that I am trying to build a relationship with God. Or perhaps you think that I am reading the bible out of pure boredom, which I guess could be possible. Anyway, I have been having conversations with God lately, telling him what I am looking for out of life, expressing my fears, complaining about the Cubs... you know, the usual soul searching stuff. This is all going fine, except I have a small concern. Is God hard of hearing? Or maybe really soft spoken? Either way, I am afraid I am not hearing or seeing the answers I need.

Bottom line: One of us better start speaking up. Soon.

currently reading...

2009-08-23T22:53:00.000-05:00

The book of all books. The Bible. I am on page 16, which is the equivalent to page 73 in a "normal" book. The comprehension of this is so-so, I'm doing better than I thought I would be. However, keeping all these people straight.. and their children... and their children... and their children. You get the point.

It is all very time consuming and my ability to speed read is not coming in handy.

Different mood...

2009-08-23T14:10:00.001-05:00

I don't know what this means... but someone help me.

I've been watching movies on the Lifetime and Hallmark channels.

Frustration

2009-08-21T18:50:00.000-05:00

I wish I could send a letter to Bub's housemates. They need a lesson in communication and compassion, and I am more than willing to give them that lesson.

Unfortunately, it's not my place. It's not my place. It's not my place.
Will someone please keep telling me that over and over before I overstep my boundaries?

Thanks.

Never fear

2009-08-11T22:24:00.001-05:00

I made lasagna tonight for the second time in roughly 8 years. I'm not exaggerating either. The first time I made it obviously didn't turn out too well. I was ambitious back then, grabbing random ingredients, not so much as even glancing at a recipe. I was confident that my Italian roots alone would carry me to success. I was sadly mistaken. The result was so traumatizing that I almost had to be hypnotized to remember the outcome. The lasagna consisted of tough "more than al dente" noodles stuck together with a minuscule amount of sauce and cheese, cooked to a burnt crisp. I remember trying to chew through the first bite and tell myself that it really wasn't so bad. After a few more forced swallows I couldn't kid myself any longer and threw my lasagna and my heritage in the trash.

Lately, I had been revisiting my love of lasagna by viewing recipes online and soon I began toying with the idea of attempt numero dos. This time I researched carefully, looking for moderately easy recipes with ingredients that I could afford. I narrowed it down to a couple of recipes and decided to use them as my guide, not really following either one exactly. After shopping for my supplies at two different stores and a couple of hours of preparation, my masterpiece was finished. Now for me, cooking isn't fun unless you have someone to share it with. Luckily, I have just the hungry, (albeit picky) male for the job. Mark came over for dinner after a long hard day and had not one, but TWO massive servings and asked for some to take home as well.

SUCCESS!

Oh, I enjoyed the lasagna as well. I already have some ideas to do some minor tweaking.

My lasagna fear is now conquered.

just words

2009-08-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

I know I complain, but I am thankful.
I know I cry, but I am happy.
I know I yell, but I am calm.
I know I hurt, but I am strong.

I close my eyes, but I still see.
The pieces of you, the pieces of me.

I want to do more with this.. wish I could make a collage on a blog somehow.. thinking.. thinking..

I need to remember those moments I have, where I feel like no one "gets me".
I know I am not the only one. Too many times do we see what we want to see and not realize that there are so many more pieces to the puzzle. Even the silliest of people are much more deeper than we give them credit for.

"free your mind and the rest will follow"