Tuesday, January 27, 2009

just one more thing...

I want to have babies. I have always wanted to have babies. Let me clarify. I want to have my own babies, carried in my own stomach. Being the sometimes unhealthy person that I am, that may not be a realistic option for me when the timing is right. Only recently has this started to bother me. The reality of not being capable of carrying my own child has been creeping up on me for whatever reason and its not something that I can shake off. I have accepted the fact that I most likely will not be able to start having children until I am over thirty, I can deal with that. However, that option of not having them at all? Devastating. I find my eyes welling up with pools of saltiness at just the mere thought of it. I always pride myself in being this positive person, who is always trying to find the sun behind every cloud. However, with this specific subject matter it just doesn't seem feasible to me right now. Positivity seems to escape me. You see, I did say that I have always wanted and wanted... yet, I have never pictured it happening to me. I have told myself over and over that it will probably not happen because of the meds I am, because of the risks, etc... This way I can't be as disappointed. Unfortunately, I am starting to feel disappointed already and I am nowhere near even being ready to try to get pregnant or even see what my options are (if any). Sometimes, I feel greedy. Asking God for a healthy pregnancy and baby would be too much. I have had too many blessings, too many prayers answered to be expecting this as well.

This is my new fear.

"Two kidney transplants? Love? Shelter? Food? Florence Anne, you have used up your miracles for this lifetime."
Love,
God.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Because I can.

I have the tendency to rewrite sentences in my blogs over and over. I'm not exactly sure why. Afterall, this is just a glorified diary of sorts, albeit a public one, but still. Why do I feel the need to censor/edit/correct my personal writing.

I should take a butter knife to my backspace button and eliminate all temptations of editing.

I am $1408.00 away from paying off my first vehicle. Ever.

I always get the urge to write a blog when I am exhausted.

Hmm, I am going to write an amazing blog soon. I promise.

Feeling a little freaked out right now, being home alone is nice sometimes, but freaky at other times. Like for example; when it's 11:46 p.m. and you are sitting on the couch, in your fuzzy pajamas, next to a large window (with no curtains, because they fell down on your head). I'm going to bed. Where its safe. And the windows are covered.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Don't mess with imperfection.

Welcome to 2009. With the new year comes resolutions, so-called life changes, and a new outlook. As cliche as it may sound, I have a good feeling about this year. My main goal is to maintain a positive on outlook no matter what God may throw at me.
I will strive to have a healthy and happy relationship and settle for nothing less. I will be receptive to constructive criticism and accept that there is always room for improvement.
I will not let financial, health, or social issues that I cannot control, bring me down.
I will let myself feel without being ashamed.
I will make mistakes and I will learn from them.
I will admit when I am wrong.
I will not regret.
I will embrace the person that I have become.
I will have (more) faith.
I will blog more.